The birth

Now that more than four weeks have passed since the birth of my daughter, I feel that I am ready to reflect on the experience, which was, unfortunately, a rather disappointing one.

I should start by saying that I am by no means regretting what happened; I am glad that my daughter and I both survived the experience unscathed, and that's what matters. It is just that the process was not at all I had expected, or had hoped for; however, I am also aware that these things never go as expected, and of course I fully accept the course of events that took place.

The birth was, in short, an over-medicalized experience. The moment I walked into the emergency ward at the Notre-Dame de Bon Secours hospital--which I decided to do because I felt that my blood pressure was mounting and I had developed a splitting headache--I was doomed. Because of my soaring blood pressure--which reached 180/120 at one point--and considering that I was 38 weeks pregnant, it was decided that the birth would be induced. 20 hours after some gel was inserted inside my cervix to induce labour, my mucus plug was removed by the midwife, and I was given medication to regularize my contractions. Being tied to several intravenous drips, I was immobilized; when the anesthesiologist came into the birthing room, I readily accepted the epidural. When my dear daughter was born, she was swiftly taken away--and I did not get to see her again until an hour or so after birth, and only in an incubator. After the initial birth, it was more than a day later that I was able to hold my daughter in my arms.

What went wrong? I will start off by saying that the hospital where I gave birth did not provide the holistic care that I needed. The doctor who was supposedly in charge of me saw me only twice during the course of my pregnancy. Even though I went to the hospital regularly, I was seen by different people each time--technicians for various tests, doctors for ultrasound, examinations, and information on anesthesia, and midwife for examinations, etc.--no one person looked at all the test results and examinations, and monitored my total well-being. All the results were in my file, but did anyone spend more than two minutes looking at them? If they had, perhaps the seriousness of my hypertension would not have been overlooked. What would have happened had I decided not to go to the hospital when I had?

In addition, for the duration of my and my daughter's hospitalization, we saw so many caregivers I lost count--a midwife would come once a day to give me medication and ask how I was doing; a nurse would come and take my blood pressure and temperature; another nurse would come and give me some shots, or take blood for tests. I think I saw the same nurse/midwife only twice max. A few of them would have the courtesy to introduce themselves, most did not even bother. As for doctors, four came my way--one to tell me that birth would have to be induced; another doing his rounds while I was being monitored after birth; and two anesthesiologists. Only one of these doctors came to see me more than once (and all of them for duration of no more than five minutes!)

For someone who had hoped for a natural birth experience and had done prior research into it, the over-medicalized turn of events was rather disappointing. Birth was not the life-transforming experience that I had been expected to believe; I was a mere passive participant in a process where I was delivered of my baby, instead of actively giving birth.

In any case, I am more or less fully recovered now--the lochia has stopped, the episiotomy has healed (and no, the midwife did not inform me she was performing this beforehand, just as she did not tell me before manually removing the mucus plug!), I no longer have haemorrhoids, I am nearly (but not quite!) back to my pre-pregnancy weight. My coccyx is the only thing that reminds me on a daily basis the trauma of the birth experience. Now nearly all my time and effort is taken up for taking care of my daughter. That's a whole different story!

Maternity leave

At a check-up with the ob-gyn last week, she declared that the fetus has already dropped down to my pelvis in preparation for birth, and that my cervix has shortened. Therefore, until my fetus reaches full term (i.e., 37 weeks, approximately in two weeks), I am to take medication to prevent contractions. She also told me that I should stop working.

This was not at all what I expected--in fact, I had been considering asking her to write a medical certificate, which would enable me to work until 2 weeks before the expected due date (the French due date is 41 weeks). Without the certificate, I can only work up till 3 weeks before the due date. The organization where I work allows 16 weeks of maternity leave, which can be taken from 3 - 6 weeks before the expected due date (and can be taken until 10 - 13 weeks after birth). Even though I tire more easily, since I am doing OK, I figured that it would be better to have more time BEFORE than AFTER the birth.

But of course, my doctor would not write such a certificate; she insisted that I must rest, since it is my right to take 6 weeks of maternity leave before the expected due date. In fact, it is a pity that it is too late for her to give me a certificate for sick leave, as I certainly qualified for one. A conversation I had with my organization's welfare/social assistant confirmed this--there are some doctors that agree to write such a certifiate, but this is rare, since it is not in the French mentality to continue to work when you no longer have to.

When I lamented this to a senior colleague, she gave me this piece of advice: "Do what the doctor says and enjoy this time because your life will never be the same! Take walks, go to the movies, read books plus all the practical stuff to be ready. And remember: no matter how much work you do there will be more there waiting. "

By French law, women are entitled to 16 weeks of paid maternity leave--six weeks before birth and ten weeks after birth. The social security system is, of course, the main reason why the fertility rate in France is so high (although I suggested another reason earlier). All the other women in my sophrologie/birth preparation classes have stopped working already, after having taken sick leave.

Of course my colleague is right. I should enjoy the time that I have. But am I being told to stop working because my body requires it, or because it is my right to take sick or maternity leave? I will never know.

Birth preparation classes: Sophrologie

Despite the fact that I feel that my tummy is getting bigger and bigger, it appears that by French standards, I am small. When I tell people that the due date is mid-November, they all look suprised--some even double-checking with the remark "you mean, this coming November?" (what do you think, November 2009? Duh!).

As the due date approaches, I have begun to read up on the process of birth itself.

Back in April, when my gynaecologist urged me to find a hospital to give birth ASAP, I managed to register myself at Notre Dame de Bon Secours, a well-reputed hospital within walking distance from home. I did, however, spend more than five hours on the internet searching for alternative options, especially facilities that are more conducive to natural births, only to find that the only birthing centre in Paris had recently been closed down. Thus, I had to give up any thoughts of having a natural birth in Paris (as a first-time mother I did not consider home birth as an option). This is a bit of a shame in a country where innovative natural-birth advocates such as Drs Lamaze and Leboyer originated.

It was therefore with much delight when I found out that Hopital Notre Dame de Bon Secours offered, in addition to conventional birth preparation classes, sophrology (or sophrologie in French).

According to the "Energy Centre", Sophrology is:

a structured method created to produce optimal health and well-being. It consists of a series of easy to do physical and mental exercises that, when practised regularly, lead to a healthy, relaxed body and a calm, alert mind. The exercises are called dynamic relaxation (relaxation in movement).

As it applies to preparation of birth, preparation consists of exercises that visualise "your body and the baby’s place within your body, whilst relaxing and breathing in and out slowly and rhythmically", which are supposed to help ease the pain of giving birth.

Believing that this was the one opportunity for me to get as close to natural birth as possible, I registered myself for the course, despite the fact that sophrology was more expensive than the conventional birth-preparation classes. I have been relatively happy with with the classes, the "hands-on" type of intimate relationship the class shared with the midwife who is in charge of the classes, and the visualization exercises with which we finish each class. Therefore, I was quite taken aback recently to find that out of ten pregnant women in my class, I was the only one even considering birth without an epidural.

Furthermore, when I asked the midwife whether we would be watching a video of birth(s) in order to better prepare ourselves, she told me no, because "the image would be too much for some women".

I find it quite unfortunate that the process of birth has become over-medicated and institutionalized in the West, and that women seem to be distancing themselves from what should be a natural and normal process of life. Or, should we be happy that painless births are perhaps one of the numerous factors contributing to the baby boom in France, making France the country with the highest fertility rate in the EU?

The stranger within

One of my pregnancy guidebooks (Mayo Clinic Guide to a Healthy Pregnancy, a book with a great reference section I would recommend anyone looking for an objective and well-organized book immediate before and during pregnancy) tells me that at week 29:

Your baby's weight and size are continuing to increase this week. As a result, you're probably feeling increased activity inside your uterus, with your baby's movements more frequent and vigorous. Some of your baby's jabs and punches may even take your breath away.

Indeed. What began almost four months ago as "fluttering" movements that I could barely notice are now at times forceful. These movements sometimes keep me awake at night, and during the day the movements of the mound on my tummy (by being pushed from inside) are quite visible from the outside.

At this point in my pregnancy (32 weeks) I am finding myself focused less on me (how I feel/ how I look/ how my body is changing, etc.) but more on this being inside me (how is it doing, how does it look, what will it be like?). At the same time, I am realizing more and more that this being is NOT me--it is an independent being with a mind of its own. What began as a part of me is now viable outside me ("almost all babies born at 32 weeks will survive and have a normal life", according to my pregnancy guidebook). It kicks and jabs (and hurts me!) at its own whim. Funnily enough, the image that recently came to my mind is that scene in the movie "Aliens" when this alien-baby pops out of Sigourney Weaver's tummy!

It is written in the same guidebook that the most active time to feel fetal movements is between 27 and 32 weeks. So perhaps from now on until birth, I will feel less disrupted by the stranger, the independent being that I am housing.

I am looking forward to meeting this stranger within.

赤ちゃんグッズ

出産予定日まであと２ヶ月となりましたが、まだ全くベビー用品を揃えていなく、ほんのちょとだけ焦り始めてきました。環境にとっても、我が家の家計にとってもやさしいように、新しく買う物は最低限に抑えたいと考えています。洋服はオーガニックまたは再利用のものを。ベビーベッドなどの製品は安全かつ環境に優しい方法で作られたものを。おむつに関しては、環境へのインパクトは紙（リサイクルかつ無害な物質に分解できるもの）と布ではあまり変わらないという調査の結果があるので、どっちにするかはまだ決めていません。

残念ながら、パリ（またはフランス）でオーガニックまたはフェアトレードのベビー用品を買える場所は、限られています。今までチェックしたのは以下のお店です：

- NatBé（赤ちゃん・妊婦のためのエコなお店、パリ１３区にあります）
- Bébés en Vadrouille （フェアトレードの赤ちゃん用品のお店、４区とオンラインのお店があります。オーガニックグッズもある）
- Fibris （基本的には大人のオーガニックの洋服を扱っていて、お店は５区にあります。ベビー服や布おむつもあります）
- Ardelaine （ウールの製品を扱っていて、いくつかベビー用の服と布団などのベッディングなどがあります。Marjolaine などのオーガニック系のサロンで展示をよく出しています）
- Futaine （オーガニックかつフェアトレードのコットン製品、ベビー用の寝具や布おむつがある。１４区にある Ambiance Naturelle で購入することができます）
- Nouveaux Robinson （パリ郊外 Montreuil のエコ製品のお店では、オーガニックのものががたくさん置いてあり、ベビーグッズもある）
- Brindilles （赤ちゃんの洋服やその他の製品を中心に、たくさんのエコグッズが揃っている、オンラインのお店）
- Loumilie （赤ちゃん用のオーガニックの洋服、スリング、おもちゃ、おむつなどがある、オンラインショップ）
- Mamam Naturelle （赤ちゃん用オーガニックの服、スリング、布オムツなど、オンラインショップ）
- Melicott（赤ちゃん用オーガニックの服、スリング、布おむつなど、オンラインショップ）
- Le Monde de Léa（赤ちゃん用オーガニックの服、スリング、おむつの他に、おもちゃもありる、オンラインショップ）
- Nataluna （赤ちゃん用オーガニックの服、スリング、おむつと、マタニティ服や授乳用の服もある、オンラインショップ）
- Grandir Nature （エコ製品がたくさん買えるオンラインショップ、赤ちゃん用や文房具も売っています）

環境と赤ちゃんにやさしいものを買うものが難しいのなら、作ってしまおうと思い、先月日本に一時帰国した際「こだわりの天然素材オーガニックコットンで編むベビーニット―0~24カ月」という本を買いました。 この本は使用しているのがオーガニックコットンというだけでそのほかはオーガニックコットンだからという特徴はありませんでしたが。ま、日本ではハマナカという会社がオーガニックコットンの糸を多色作っているということは参考になりました。

８月中旬に作り始めて先日ようやく編み終えたのが、このボンネット。大学生のころから帽子やマフラーを編む経験があるものの、カギ編みは初めてと同様（幼稚園のころスカーフをつくったことがありますが）だったので、少し苦労しました（母親にずいぶん助けてもらいました）。


次はヴェストにチャレンジします。果たして産まれる前にできるのでしょうか。

Announcing one's pregnancy

At 6 months, I am FINALLY starting to show, and I am over the "looking fat but not (yet) pregnant" phase (thank goodness). People are giving up seats for me on the Metro, and things that fall off my fork/chopsticks during meals land on my bulging tummy, not on my lap. The best part is that I feel confident when walking into a maternity clothes store.

I have also begun (belatedly) to tell people that I am pregnant. Instead of making a big deal out of it, I try to discreetly slip it in conversations. People's reactions can be categorized into three: (1) those who seem genuinely happy for me, proceed to ask numerous questions, and thus the conversation changes entirely; (2) those who say "congratulations", but limit questions to my health and my future plans; and (3) those who say something to the effect of "I guess I should congratulate you", ask when the baby is due, and then go back to the conversation we were having before the announcement.

Needless to say, such reactions depend on the kind of position and feelings each person has vis-a-vis having children. Those who respond as (1) tend to be mothers/fathers themselves, or they want to be mothers/fathers. The former tend to welcome me to the club and give me advice, while the latter tells me their plans/dreams of one day (soon) having children. Those who fall in the (2) category are the ones who have mixed feelings on the issue; they are not sure they want children, or haven't thought about it very much, so they ask the minimum questions deemed necessary but are usually uncomfortable having a deeper conversation on the issue. (3) is quite simple--they have no desire to dwell on this point than any other, because they are clearly not interested in having children or in dealing with people who do.

Having been in positions (2) and (3) in the immediate past, I can easily identify with those who react in such ways. The question I always used to pose, whenever people made such announcements was: "why did you decide to have a child?" This is a question that I have yet to be asked by anyone... yet I feel it is a crucial question that need to be considered by anyone and everyone who chooses to have children.

Why should an environmentalist who is always trying to minimze her ecological footprint choose to have a child, when we know that the average person in the developed world consumes 32 times more resources than someone in the developing world, and every 3.6 seconds another person dies of starvation (the large majority of them being children under the age of 5)?

Why are people who choose NOT to have children constantly questioned about their decision, while those who choose to have children are never asked about theirs?

My reasons for wanting to have a child are quite personal. But I do know that at this point in my life I am ready, with my partner, to go through a fundamental change in our lives. To quote from the movie "Lost in Translation":

Your life, as you know it... is gone. Never to return. But... [the kids] turn out to be the most delightful people you will ever meet in your life.

Wish us luck!

(for some more quotes from the film, go to: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0335266/quotes).

Prenatal testing

Until recently, pregnant women over the age of 38 in France were systematically advised to have amniocentesis--a prenatal test to determine whether a baby has a genetic disorder or a chromosomal abnormality. In the US and many other countries, women over 35 are recommended to have amnio. Being 34, and determined not to slip through this inter-cultural gap, whether to get this test done or not was something that I considered seriously.

The contradictions of genetic prenatal testing are well-described by Sandra Steingraber in her book Having Faith. Amniocentesis is very narrow in focus in that "the whole enterprise implies that the future life of a child can be read by counting its chromosomes and scrutinizing their architecture" (click here for an excerpt of the book chapter where this issue is discussed). This is quite problematic when one considers that the majority of birth defects are not attributable to inborn genetic errors; children born with defects due to environmental factors, such as mercury poisoning or thalidomide, would not be detected using this method. Moreover, so many disorders and defects due to environmental factors are not detected until many years after birth; studies link pesticide exposure to autism, neurological disorders, and other developmental problems. A question Steingraber asks is "What if amniocentesis inquired about environmental problems as well as genetic ones?"

The results of two screening tests that I went through--the nuchal translucency scan (at 12 weeks) and HT21 blood test (at 17 weeks)--came out to indicate that the possibility of my fetus having Down syndrome and neural tube defects were extremely low--1:2495 for Down syndrome. The morphological scan (done at 22 weeks) indicated no physical abnormalities--even though, of course, as was written in the papers that were attached to all the test results, they do not guarantee that the fetus will be free of abnormalities/disorders.

In the end, we decided against having amniocentesis. But if a prenatal testing that allows us to determine the amount of environmental contaminants in our body, one that could diagnose whether or not the fetus will be free from problems arising from such contaminants existed, I would certainly have taken it. Since being diagnosed with “sick house syndrome” (a Multiple Chemical Sensitivity) six years ago, I have changed my lifestyle so that I am exposed to as little environmental toxins as possible. However, if such prenatal testing existed, it would be very important for me to know how much my diagnosis six years ago could negatively affect my child. This would be such an important information for all parents-to-be.

Another thing we found out during the second trimester ultrasound was that the fetus' growth is normal and that all measurements--the diameter and circumference of the abdominal area, thigh bones, etc.--are in the 50 percentile, i.e., average. What a relief to parents (to-be): having a completely average child! Having grown up in an environment where one's academic aptitude is measured using scores and percentiles, it was a big relief to know that the measurements of the fetus are 50 percentile. At what point in our lives as parents does having an average child become NOT enough? We'll have to wait and see.

Long live maternity pants!

The beginning of the soldes in Paris coincided with the beginning of the fifth month of my pregnancy, and I finally mustered enough courage to go shopping for maternity clothes.

As I got out of my pants (yes the pre-pregnancy ones that I wear unzipped, with a rubber band through the button hole, and a BellaBand to cover it all) and tried on some materinity pants, my first impression was: why on earth didn't I try these super-comfy things before???

There is indeed a reason why these things are made--for pregnant women whose belly is expanding. No matter how big or small the expanding belly is. Since I have sworn to buy only the minimum amount of maternity clothes, I decided to wait until it was absolutely necessary to buy them. But my conclusion now is: comfort should be a priority! So my recommendation is this: anyone hesitating to buy maternity clothes until pre-pregnancy clothes get so uncomfortable that your tummy starts to hurt when sitting down, should reconsider IMMEDIATELY. Get these super comfy clothes (well, at least pants, anyway) ASAP! Some brands claim that their maternity clothes are for pregnant pregnant from month 1 to 9, so it's never too early, I reckon.

For conventional maternity clothes, I liked, and bought clothes from, the following French brands:

- 1 et 1 font 3
- Formes
- Serafine

In terms of the shopping experience, I must say I found the sales people at Formes and Galeries Lafayette's maternity section the most helpful and kind. At Formes, the sales assistants were wearing these maternity clothes, even though their tummies were as flat as a cutting board!

For organic cotton maternity clothes (and oh they are difficult to find!) I have bought:

- Lili l'a fait
- Cherry on the cake


I have checked out the following organic cotton maternity clothes brands but have not bought anything from them:

- lunaBulle
- schone maternity

Happy shopping!

On looking fat but not (yet) pregnant

Girls and women are bombarded with images of what we should look like. The skinny movie stars look incredibly sexy with their big boobs and the latest fashions are flattering only for underweight women. Is it any wonder that girls, and women, suffer from eating disorders?

Before I became pregnant, it did not occur to me that I would start worrying about the way I would look during pregnancy. After all, Paris is filled with pregnant women, many of whom working and/or active. There's nothing wrong with a little bump on my tummy, I thought. So, when my body shape progressively changed—I outgrew my bras in March, my jeans began getting tight in April, and by mid-May I was no longer able to do the top button in any of my pants—I was actually quite excited. When I started looking around for maternity clothes, however, I found that my body was not yet ready for them. I realized that maternity clothes are only made to fit women who are more than 5 months pregnant. So, heeding the advice of a friend, I bought a wonderful accessory called the BellaBand, which allows me to wear my pants with my buttons undone.

The problem, though, is that when I wear my regular pants, the BellaBand, and a normal shirt, I don't look pregnant. I just look fat.

By now it has dawned on me that images of pregnant women that we are bombarded with in the media are NOT those of "typical" pregnant women. I now understand that those women who actually LOOK pregnant are those in their third trimesters—which means that only one-third of all pregnant women actually LOOK pregnant (i.e., look the way pregnant women are supposed to look). But still, it has been extremely difficult for me to accept the way I look.

It is all the more difficult for me, because I have always battled with my weight, ever since a teenager. I have struggled to keep my BMI in the "ideal" range, and have been successful in maintaining my weight within the range for the past 2 years.

So, while I patiently wait for my body to fit into maternity clothes, I have decided to do my best to accept the way I look. I have come to terms with the fact that I will probably never sport a "baby bump" such as those of celebrity women (think Angelina Jolie and Cate Blanchet on the Oscars red carpet)—but rather, I will look pregnant in my own, unique, way.

Your heartbeat

I heard your heartbeat today
I saw you on the screen, all 65mm of you

Although I'd felt your existence for nearly 11 weeks
through the pulls, twinges, and aches in my tummy
Hearing your heartbeat has made you more real
Seeing your movements bought tears to my eyes

I hope you will grow within me safe and sound
until you decide to come out after 27 more weeks or so

Until you do, I will do my best to ensure that you will continue to have the best environment within me, because I know that

If the world's environment is contaminated, so too is the ecosystem of a mother's body. If a mother's body is contaminated, so too is the child who inhabits it.

I hereby delcare my support for Mothers of Organic™'s organic manifesto and whole-heartedly concur with We the Mothers because I:

• belive that organic farming upholds basic human rights to safe food and security of person;
• know that the very young require special protection from toxic contamination;
• am willing to take precautionary action to keep us both safe;
• am alarmed that agriculture has become the number one polluter of fresh water; and
• refuse to be fooled by supermarket price tags.

And until you do come out, I will continue my work and do the best I can to make the world, our environment, a better place for you and me.

* the above italicized quotes are from the Mothers of Organic website.